Is lack of confidence stealing my joy?

Beginning last year a developed a huge crush on someone and for the past year i've been emotionally abusing myself to get his attention wanting him to like me.Through this year I've been depressed,anxious and fearful just downing myself and I even let him still my joy away.Even though I cut all ties with him i'm still holding on to the negative thoughts and emotions and now i'm afraid of feeling good and joyful.Could this be lack of confidence,not trusting myself with joy and just thinking negative?